I often hear clients say things like, “I can’t believe this is still bothering me,” or “I should’ve gotten over this ages ago.” What I find interesting is the tone of embarrassment and shame attached to these phrases. It seems that we carry an expectation that time will heal all wounds, and many of us are embarrassed and ashamed when specific pains from the past still bother us.
As a human, I can relate. However, as a clinician, I want to acknowledge one important distinction: When my clients tell me they can’t believe they’re still hurt from something in the past, I don’t label them as weak and embarrassing. On the contrary, alarms start sounding in my brain because I hear how important this is for them. There’s more to this situation than meets the eye. They assume any “normal” person would heal from this easily, but that hasn’t been the case for them.
Our first step is working through the emotions that have been tied to the pain: shame, embarrassment, guilt. We’re want to move through the negative association connected with that pain so we can get to a neutral acknowledgement that the situation matters a lot to the client. Once they can acknowledge that the situation matters without feeling badly about it, we can begin to work on the actual pain points.
I don’t believe it is ever too late to begin therapy because I believe that old wounds bother us because they still matter. Something significant is still there and demands attention. Unresolved pain, confusion, indecision. Their significance demands attention, causing that nagging pain even years later. There’s no shame in working on what matters.
